The cause of my pain is how they all try to control my life

I look at you with such disdain

You tell me I'm an adult and I should make my own choices but you practically tell me what I am to do

"Mindy go on this internship- oh while you're there you can work at your uncle's restaurant and look after teh twins!"

Work-Work-Work

Thats all my life has been about besides school

Then I'm told I can follow my own plans because I have to help support my cousins: my cousin Fai in Thailand, my 4 year old cousin Kit, and teh twins in texas

wow thanks.

I'm only fucking 17 but you put the pressures of teh world on me

You treat me like i'm a teenage mother already

I'm but one person still figuring out my place and path in life

but of course you've all fucked that up a year ago

Even when I try hard to help

working working working consantly while doing homework as well

No one gives a shit for what i've done

i truly look at you with such disdain

.....

They want me to do a internship in Texas, go stay with my uncle and his wife there and while I'm there also take care of their kids and work a their restaurant

FUCK NO

I hate it....i dont like her...and i dont particullarly care for my uncle

When I'm with them i feel uncomfortable

The air feels like its suffocating me

 

I'm exhausted

I dont know how much more i can take

Sleep succumb over me

Grant me peace of mind

 

ok..uh dunno if i ever mentioned it....but since the beginning of school(well teh one i've been goin to since second semester) there was always some random Asian kid sayin hi to me like her knew me

And of course i didnt know him (i think i'd recognize an asian kid's face; asians tend to be like "oooo what?~ ASIAN!!~~" at least me and my other asian friends lol)

anywho he would always happily say "HIIII MINDY!!!" and wave when he saw me in the hallways

and one of the biggest questions ot me was "who the heck is this kid???"

all i knew was he was a junior(once he was like "HIIII MINDYYYYYY~~ YOU DONT KNOW ME BUT I'M LIKE THE ONLY ASIAN GUY IN OUR CLASS" meaning the junior class)

so yea....

anywho yesturday after mass i was walking in the hallway with my friend and saw him and he was like "HEY!!!! ASIAN PRIIIIDE~~~*sticks fist out waiting for me to hit it back with my fist*" and i was like "um...ok?*hits fist anywho*" and we talked for a minute as we walked down teh hallway he was like "you dont know me but i'm like the only asian guy left(now that seniors are gone)...we dont really talk but...." and i was like "yea...i dont think you've ever told me your name either ._." (i was trying so hard not to be shy and be friendly and able to talk...i have a hard time talking to ppl ....) and he was like "oh its ben! welll actually its kenny..."

so yea its either ben or kenny*shrug* imma ask him again next time i see him roaming the hallways(shouldnt be hard since 1/4 of the traffic is gone XD

but ha he's a cute asian kid XD ...shut up byung shin.....

 

ok so everybody has heard of Miley Cyrus her her tv personality: Hannah Montana

personally i dont like her too much...

like i think her acting>singing

i dunno she just kinda annoys me....

and the way they dress her and stuff is like trying to make her an adult when she's still a kid!

what happened to the innocence in teh world?

anywho the latest thing is her racy pics in vanity fair

i was appalled to hear people say things like "she can do what she wants" and the worst one was some guy on tv saying: "its good for her to break out of the innocent girl shell"

 

i was like "excuse me?" She's a kid! a 15 year old! its practically pornography

children shouldnt be displayed like that at all and she's a role model for children

its not just about the kids possibly seeing the pics but that these kids are following up on this celeb and their actions contribute to what kids may think and do

i get to stay in my room but my computer has been hijacked by my uncle -_-

and today has been teh worst day ....

and i dont think Asanee Wasan will be comin T_T

my left hand swelled up from a mosquito bite and it hurts ><

and i'll tell the rest later....

"Everything fades away to a shade of gray...the darkness of the heartless enslaves teh day, and I pray to save you but it's safe to say AU REVOIR CES SOIR JE SUIS DESOLE" ~ Tablo of Epik High(Ignition- Album 5 "Pieces Part One")

 

Everything has lost its color...life has faded to the shade of gray but I continue to pray that I'll have a say but all is lost by the end of the day...

 

You know...i'm still not happy...its a facade... there are only a few moments where I'll truly smile from teh bottom of my hear only to seep back to darknes of my heart...

Everything in my life has come tumbling down but i held on tight to the crumbling pieces...I've felt isolated, disatisfied, antisocial, anti-happy, anti-liveliness, anti-ME...

I've lost hte place i truely felt was my home, the friends whom I trust and love, the school and path i chose for myself ...i still had family to hang on but day by day that started to fall apart too....

I had a room that had previously been the second living room....but then i got kicked out of that and pushed into my grandma's room for nearly 2-3 months...and finally i got a personal room again(different from teh one i chose but at least i could call it my own...) but with my uncle, his wife, and the twins visiting they want to kick my out of my room for them to use during their visit...(why dontyou just let them use it minty?)....because its my room(that i only got to be in for a week now)...its the only thing left that i can call my own...my only personal space where i can be somewhat free from all this bullshit in teh world... Everything else that was so important to me that i never wanted to let go..i've already lost it...i dont want to lose the only place that i feel is my haven...everyday i try my best to cover up my broken heart...i try my best to help out and play the role of a good daughter...but at the end of the day the hole inside has only increased and the only place i can cry  is my room...the only place i can let it out....it may seem trivial but to me its the only thing i have left...

 

This pain it just wont go away

Hate and darkness implants itself and intends to stay

I try and try

Let out a deep heavy sigh

I cry everytime a piece of my soul dies

All i want is to be home

But all i got was a dark tomb

I've tried my best to be good lately really!

And today for no reason i get in trouble and yelled at!

My stepdad got drunk again cuz his friend came to teh restaurant

and what happens? he rambles on bout something

my mom tells me to lock my bedroom door and not to come out

but then my stepdad comes bangin on my door and i have to open it or i'll be in deep shit with him

then suddenly yells at me to open my grandma's bedroom door and tell my sis to lower her volume(comp)

But then he screams at her for watchign it instead of sleeping(she's supposedly sick having missed 3 days already)

and my mom pokes her head out to scream at me! "eeba mint! ngow reu ngai!"

WHAT THE HELL! ....cont later

ZOOOOOMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!

O.O

Whats wrong with Mindy you ask?

because....I MAY GET TO MEET *THE* ASANEE WASAN!!!!

*SAY WHAT MINDY?!*

Yes i know they're an old group and popular for my parents generation but still!!! WOW!

For nonThais i'll explain Asanee Wasan is a pair of brothers who are famous musicians in Thailand since like the 80s? well like for sure around the time i was born and they've been popular still

Anywho~ THEY MIGHT BE COMIN OVER AND VISIT MY FAMILY! EVEN MORE THEY MAY EVEN STAY WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS!!!

i'll explain....

My stepdad's close friend wants to come over and visit us here in Louisiana

But she wants to bring her brother in law who happens to be Asanee!!!! SHE WANTS TO BRING THE ENTIRE FAMILY!

See, my stepdad is a huge fan of theirs and she's wanted them to meet my stepdad and its  good oppurtunity right now cuz they love jazz and we're only an hour or 2 from new orleans~~~

BUT I MEAN!!!! HOW MANY CHANCES ARE THERE TO MEET THAI LEGENDS?

and you know what else? maybe he could help me out with my audition?...yea i know not so likely lol but its fun to dream lol

*sigh* i'm really depressed....

See I technically have dual citizenship (US and Thai) since I was born in teh States but my parents were Thai citizens but I must apparently choose when i turn 18 T_T

apparently thailand doesnt recognize dual citizenship T_T

Whats teh big deal mindy? you ask?

well I love both nationalities!

I'm proud to say I'm American and proud to say I'm Thai! They're a part of who i am

i dont want to choose....

...i'd like to maintain dual citizenship....but how? T_T

anybody know if theres a way for me to maintain my dual citizenship and not give up either of them?

I dunno i've been feeling so exhausted lately

mostly since i havent had much sleep(sis would turn on her alarm at around 4-5 am in the morning! and when i get woken up i have difficulty sleeping again)

My lack of sleep eventually led me to being sick on friday O.o never happened to me before...i always thought they made that shit up in dramas where the nahng ek didnt get enough rest and just got terribly ill

though for me it was just a headache and slight fever...

And thanks to P' Varang i got to watch Kung Fu Dunk~~~~*sooo happy* i absolutely loooved it!

She's so kind sending me things *tear tear*

she's even sending me Secret and the Big Bang The Great Concert!

 

mhhhmmm on another note I'm really surprised to see how close me and Byung Shin are despite the distance between us! We havent seen one another since summer(except thanksgiving) but we're actually even closer best friends!

I'm also happy about the Vampire Knight anime! I've been waiting forever! I looove the songs!!! I'm also happy bout season 2 of xxxHOLIC(xxxHOLIC KEI) and i love that theme song too! Itzara na Kiss, the manga which It Started with a Kiss was made from, has also become an anime! Its a shame the mangaka never got to see it seeing as she died a long time ago before completing the manga itself too...

 

 

ok now on my ranting...

What is the big deal? Why do teens these days think that having a bf/gf is EVERYTHING?

Me and many other people(well mostly girls but...) think that you would want a bf/gf cuz you actually like them

Unlike many these days who just choose any ol' person for the sake of "being taken" *shakes head*

I've been told my thoughts are too naive

But you know someone would rather be with someone who would actually treasure them

I'm not the only one

I'm not getting a bf yet cuz i'm waiting for that someone i think will treasure me adn whom I know i would be able to treasure

so what if i'm a romantic

I'd rather be in a relationship thats successful than one that'll break apart so quickly

hmm...i'm not quite sad as i was before

but there's still aches in my heart knowing that i'm missing out on everything with my best friends

i missed out on alot of interesting oppurtunies and memories

I cant say i'm not happy at all but its still disappointing to be here...

control of my life and choices are slipping slowly away

its a difficult feeling....

i feel exhausted everyday...i'm not as energetic and i just feel drained in the morning and more at the end

but even when i feel lonely and tired i feel happy even for a fleeting moment just talking to my old buddies like byung shin

so thankies

 

well i'll update later i gotta sleep T_T and wake up at 6 for school(crazy i know...in FL school started around 8 not 6:50-7)

work was horrible and because i'm sooo aggrivated i warn this entry will have curse words (_ _)"

AND WARNING THIS ENTRY IS GONNA MAKE YOU SICK

work was pretty slow today

Probably cuz spring break has started already

anywho this is what happened that made me and everyone sick to the stomach

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

some fatass lady (a grown lady mind you) used the bathroom at the restaurant and then she hurridly left

why?

cuz she shitted all over the bathroom!!!!

her shit was all over the toilet, toilet seat, and all over the fucking floor!!!!!!

how disgusting!

AND HOW CAN YOU MISS THE TOILET???? WTF????

 

GAH people ><

...uh i never really considered myself smart...especially with common sense i'm lacking since i'm sooo slow 555

anywho everybody assumes and calls me smart though cuz i do well in school(i say its monstly luck; but with history its cuz i love history so its easy for me to remember the stuffs)

Well that was proven this week?

See its the end of the 3rd quarter so teachers are putting in the last grades and giving the last couple of tests

My math teacher thinks i'm great at math(...uh...really? quote(from course selection week): "YOU'RE EXCEPTIONAL! MORE THAN QUALIFIED FOR HONORS!!! I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE YOU GO TO HONORS!!!(me: ...uh...) I'LL FULLY SUPPORT YOU *feelin the pressure*") anywho he gave us a quarter exam on friday

And i got to see my results online...

how'd  i do?

super

44.5/45

Yes i nearly got a hundred, but only missed it by half a point 555 that's a record on a big exam for me XD

oh and in history we had to do some big project involving our birthdays(day and year) and i did a vdo cuz i hate talking to ppl and thought "excuse to use my favorite movies/songs plus i can record my voice!" (we also had to compare/contrast our present lives and our parents lives as teens) anywho mine was sooooo different, just full of asian movies and music

but you know what? my teacher liked it

how well?

i got a 55/50

yes that's over 100% thats 110% sweet

then today in Government we're talkin bout different parties(btw this class is has a nuimber of slow people....didnt know who osama or hussen were....along with other things that had to do with their own country; anywho people in that clas assume i'm smart cuz i always make actual conversation with teh teacher and real input? as well as know answers to most questions everybody is curious about---to the point where ppl next to me and always the teacher look at me at random periods of the hour to hope i say something smart ._.) and my teacher was talking bout roosevelt and the bull moose party and stated it was in 1920 and i told him no(see i just had an american history test 2 hours before involving the 1920 election as well) and i was like "no because harding was the president of 1920, the bull moose party was the early 1900s" ...uh i shouldve closed my mouth? cuz everybody was like "ooo" makin funof the teacher and he may have been embarrassed?(nah thak in thai?)

 

yea....sorry mr. hernandez

 

 

oh yea i keep losing me stupid pencils!!!! >< i go through like 5 a week! >< where are you???

and i'm sad cuz i cant talk to byung shin this week(once again) cuz she's gotta study for exams TT^TT

sabishiiyo atashi!!!

theres no one to talk to or play with

 

 

and i've been watching clips of starking on youtube watching ppl do the dance for WG's Tell me XD 555 i love those police officers (kid was cute too but officers awesomer)

 

 

well night..i'm gonna be emo and sulk in some corner of my desk

HAPPY HUG AN ASIAN DAY!!!

i know i had no idea such a day existed until several ppl jumped on me to hug me O.o strange....

Heh....

Everyday the gap of hell widens...

Relationships strain even more...

And my soul dies more bit by bit...

Happiness...it seemed to be a fleeting moment...

But it seems so unreal now...

The thought of happiness seems like an unreachable fairytale...

Faith....I had so much in the beginning I believed things will always get better...

But....that has yet to happen....

I'm falling deeper and deeper into the bit of hatred and anger

I've succumbed to the darkness in my mind

I've fallen so deep I cant remember how the light is anymore...

Before I was able to hold my head up high and say "I gave up a good fight!"

But now I just think "damn...when will this all end?"

 

I could be classifed as insanity...but those who've been pushed as far as me could see I'm just a person with a broken soul and broken faith...

I gave up faith so long ago...but then and again I'd think I could trust faith once more...but not long after the cycle repeats...

 

 

I've tried being good I've given my damn best

But he's been an ass to me

Before I thought he was the only one i could trust and believe

But even he has turned his back on me

A hypocrite.....

"dont let emotions control strong actions"

oh really? and what have you done?

Since my cousin and his friends came they stayed in my mom's room and my mom and step dad stayed in my room while i slept on my futon in the corner

I admit I was bad for a few days but then I tried and tried and just ignored myself

But my stepdad has been but an asshole to me

He gets mad and yells at me for no reason

I havent done anything yet! not once!

And he kicked me out of my own room!

You know when I think I'm at the limit of this pit of hell I learn it goes deeper and deeper

I've become an antisocial person now...
I dont talk unless spoken to

I put on a facade of a "good and kind" person

when i've truly become spiteful and hateful

I use to have such great faith and even in the wors situations I was able to forgive but now...

All i can say is fuck this...

I honestly have no will no more...

If I'm able to live and I'm able to leave...

I surely will never come back...

 

But i will try  my best to hang on...

Ok so yea my cousin and his friends came to live with us 2-3 weeks ago

but left 2 days ago for New Hampshire for a job oppurtunity there

but they're coming back now? ehhhh?

mint ngong wa....

 

oh yea the nun at the school calls me Ming XD 555

how many nicknames will i get in my lifetime? lol

 

and karen is such a byung shin lol but we're still butts XD(inside joke)

letsee its been a while

while i'm at it happy belated Chinese New Year(XIN NIAN KUAI LE/GONG XI FA CAI)

and happy belated Singles Awareness Day!

 

 

Anyway I just got some big news

Edison Chen along with several other celebs have been caught in some kinda sex photo scandal

apparently there were explicit photos of Edison and other celebs on his laptop and someone hacked into it and stole them and uploaded them onto the net

now he's losing lots of his jobs for movies and stuffs

 

but one big thing about this is on of the celebs in the photos was Cecilia Cheung apparently

who is Nicholas Tse's wife and Nicholas Tse is one of Edison's best friends....hmmm..this will turn out ugly

this is one crazy ass scandal is all i can say and thats just all from reading articles(of course they're not gonna put the photos up how sick!)

-----

on another note:

i got to talk to Dakota YAY lol

that guy's gonna be famous =D teehee

its always fun talkin to him about thai stuffs too WOOHOO

hope i can become famous soon too >< lol

i'm 1 1/2 years late i said i would send the audition last year lol i'm waaaay past now

 

EDIT: lol i know its pretty old news XD but its new for me and well us ppl stuck over here plus when i said "i just got..." i literally meant i just read it lol

but yea Edison and some others are gonna have one hell of a rocky road from this point

 

life is too tiring...

Life is too much of a struggle...

Life is exhausting...

 

The grains of time fall through my fingers...

I'm unable to hold onto the ones I love

and I continue to disappoint the ones who love me...

I've become a failure and I'm sorry...

THe weight on my shoulders increase

The vast emptiness inside widens

and I am never able to shake of the cold adn lonliness inside..

 

Take a deep breath and hope for the best but life is always full of crap

and wishful thinking called hope

YOu can try all you want

But bad things and disappointment keep happening while good things seem inexistant

Dear Uncle in heaven...

How long has it been since I last saw you? nearly 7 years huh?

I'm still very sorry...and i want you to know i still love you deeply...

I'm sorry i didnt get to know you better when you were still alive...

I'm sorry we couldnt go to the playground...or feed teh turtles and fish at teh temple...

But i'm happy to still have memories of you and that we were able to know each other...i hope we can meet in our next life

I saw a picture of you from many year ago... i was still very little in the photo and you were so young...

I hope you were able to rest in peace...

Auntie and my cousins seem to be doing well...

Lately i've been thinking alot about you...

Especially when it rains I think i see your face in the sky and i think i hear your voice...

I remember I had a dream about you...you came to pick me up to take me somewhere ot have fun...

You smiled a gentle smile like before and you were dressed in your white uniform...

You looked like a grand captain...

Uncle i still love you till this day and I'm still sorry...

I can never put it away even if its been 7 years...because theres always that part in m heart that mourns for you

BUt its ok...because I know that incidet made me grow....

I'm still somewhat a child yet almost an adult

But you know you'll always be the Prince Charming from my childhood.

And I'll forever be the Mint that you took to the temple playground and pond...

When i see you in heaven lets play on the swings again uncle...

My handsome Prince Charming in white you'll always be loved and never forgotten...